Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Life’s been heavy lately—grad school stress, quitting my last job, and just trying to keep it together mentally. I finally left that toxic workplace at the end of April, which I’m honestly proud of. But that doesn’t mean everything magically got easier.
I got a job as a substitute teacher, but it doesn’t start until August. And even then, it’s one of those jobs where some days you get paid, and some days you don’t. Oh, and I live in Pasco County, but the schools I’ll be working at are in Hernando County. The biggest city there is like an hour away—and I hate driving. Especially long distances. Especially highways.
The anxiety isn’t just a feeling; it’s visual. I’ve had nightmares where I’m driving on a highway, and I keep flying off bridges and somehow landing back on the road again—like some glitchy video game loop I can’t escape. Waking up from that is… exhausting.
On top of that, my mental health has been slipping. I know I might have bipolar disorder, but lately, it’s the depression that’s really been kicking my ass. I feel sad more than anything. Sometimes, I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. I have these moments where everything feels pointless, and the thoughts come creeping in.
A big trigger for me is my mom. I hate when she yells at me, calls me an idiot, and treats me like I’m a child. I know I did a santo ceremony to protect myself—to stop me from going down that dark path—but it hasn’t erased the suicidal thoughts. I still feel them. I still feel broken.
Sometimes, I just wish the santos would let me go. I’m not happy. I’m barely functioning. It feels like I just drag people down with me. Like if I disappeared, my family and the few people I consider friends wouldn’t miss me—maybe they’d even feel relieved not to worry about me texting them to hang out or dump all my emotions on them.
People tell me not to cry, but they don’t understand how deep this sadness runs. Still, I’ve been trying. I’ve been reading more to brighten my days, even if it’s just for a little while.
Anyway, I have to stop here. My cousin’s picking me up soon so we can find a dress for her son’s graduation. I wish I had children of my own. I really do.
Bye for now.
Scarlette Febles 
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